"Yours are the only emails I actually open and read" - a regular reply in my inbox since 2009...and I'll bet in yours, too, once you subscribe and learn by pure, lazy osmosis to become the most compelling writer around. That said, no promises on improving your moral character.
OMG my resume – dead
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In Tuesday’s email about big career changes, including mine, I mentioned my resume. While writing that email, I gave in to one of my worst writing habits. I’m sure there’s a German word for it. I guess the closest in English is “research.” Shorthand for, “I wonder if I have that in photos somewhere, let me spend the next two hours looking for it and then coming across pics of a trip to Spain in 2005 that send me down yet another rabbit hole of pics from before I colored my hair, when it was its glorious natural brown with red highlights.” But anyway, I found my resume from 1994, and – yes, indeed – it has my schools and hobbies on it. Behold:
If you’ve read part 2 of Tough Titties, you’ll recognize every one of those jobs. I want to highlight a few things: “Clip Evaluator.” Prime example of resume-speak. I had been a “Clipper,” which is the same word for what you use to cut your toenails, so. “Clip picker” would be more descriptive, but makes one think of “nose picker.” Hence, “Evaluator.” Super fancy! That Transom description: Oh, and then “Interests.” Where to start? Maybe with “Humor writer: newspapers [one op-ed in the Wesleyan Argus], greeting cards [as in, handwritten and doodled birthday cards for friends], answering machines [as in, my own outgoing messages, high-concept gimmicky and often a full minute long — and just thinking about it, I’m cringing so hard I think I just got a charlie horse]” That whole section speaks to a) the desperation to pad out my work history so it wouldn't look pathetically thin - Has watched too much TV Really, I wanted to get paid to be me. Just a few decades later, I have that job! Well, I made it up. I created a business that also functions as my creative outlet. My Spanish, Italian, and Ancient Greek have gotten rusty, but I get to channel all that hilarity I used to pour into recording torturous, minute-long radio plays, some including an impression of Tattoo from Fantasy Island, on my answering machine… …into writing to you! You lucky dog. Here are my top secrets to making money this way. Here are my top secrets to the fundamental secret to earning money from your writing: making it UNPUTDOWNABLE. Bottom line? I plan never to send out a resume again. I know, never say never, but I’m secure in not having to apply again in my earthly lifetime for a position in the “Work Force.” Nor will I petition for a raise or promotion. I’ll give those to myself. Some people are built for office jobs. Rush hour. Coffee break. Salad bar lunch. Clocking in, clocking out. Me? No can do. I’m so glad I’ve had them in the past, but even more glad that I don’t now. If you’re the same way, here’s a Friday blessing for you.
xoLaura PS - Speaking of nothing, I started watching a Hulu show called Paradise, and it’s pretty damn good. It’s what I’m excited to open on my iPad when I get back to my hotel room after dinner. (I’m on vacation with family in the Caribbean.) I only wish I had more episodes left to watch. Damn them, they drip it out! I’ll miss the season premiere of White Lotus, too. Not available outside the US. I know, poor me.
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Laura Belgray (Talking Shrimp)
"Yours are the only emails I actually open and read" - a regular reply in my inbox since 2009...and I'll bet in yours, too, once you subscribe and learn by pure, lazy osmosis to become the most compelling writer around. That said, no promises on improving your moral character.
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