Hey Reader,

This past week’s mixer for Selena Soo’s Rich Relationships Club was all about speaking. In our breakout room, we took turns answering the question, “What’s your ideal speaking gig?”

When I described mine, I referenced one of the most fun events I’ve ever spoken at, Atomicon. It’s back this June — highly recommend. Early-bird tickets are 90% gone, so get yours now.​

I have to say, I tamped down my answer a bit because my dream speaking gig is a tall order.

It takes place on a beachfront location on a Caribbean island if it’s winter, or a Greek one if summer. Both doable. In fact, I spoke in Cancun just this January. Here’s where it gets tricky:

he event organisers ndon't just ay me 100k plus pony up for first class travel and accommodation; they teleport me there. Come on, people, it’s the 21st Century, why haven’t we cracked teleportation? But before I leave (and arrive instantaneously on the other end), they send a magical clothing stylist with my perfect speaking outfit, which is a flattering dress or jumpsuit nodding to my brand colors. If it’s a jumpsuit, it unzips easily and there’s no struggle when I have to use the bathroom. Wrinkle-proof isn’t an issue since my wardrobe also gets teleported — right into my suite and onto hangers. No packing ror shlepping equired.
​

I’m the first speaker of the first day, so I get it over with and can kick back and shmooze for the rest of the conference with none of the nerves and all of the relief. But guess what? The day starts at noon. I get to have a nice breakfast first, overlooking the sea. Guess what else — I don’t need to rehearse my talk or revise and review keynote slides because it’s a FIRESIDE CHAT. {Cue chorus of angels.} Getting paid a fortune for fireside chats is the dream. And then fielding questions from the audience, like I did with Kevin Rogers, below.

Or maybe I’m just so f’ing good at my talk without even having to prep — because, thanks to my woo journey, I’ve learned to channel* and it comes through me as if I have an earpiece with a feed from my most brilliant self — that it would be silly not to stand on stage and deliver the keynote. Fireside chat can come afterward.

Any time I’m thirsty, a staffer appears by my side with water. No one minds when I pause to sip. But scratch that, because it’s my fantasy and in it I don’t get thirsty at all. I’m a self-hydrating superbeing.

I haven’t decided whether the crowd is huge (maximum impact) or small and intimate (maximum comfort). The vibe is definitely casual. Not corporate. No LinkedIn profiles come to life. I’ve spoken at one conference that felt that way. Lotta douchenozzles.

And whether or not it’s a crowd of small-business owners/ entrepreneurs, it’s definitely an audience of professionals who want to get paid to be themselves and care about being self-expressed in their work. My go-to talk is called “How to Get Paid to Be You,” so I don’t want suit-wearing corporate drones scowling with their arms crossed, thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me.”

I look stunning and not a day over 40 in all photos and videos of me. Not a one is angled from below or captures the side I don’t like. These assets are delivered immediately, ready to post.

And, of course, no brown M&Ms in my green room.**

I didn’t verbalize all those conditions in the breakout session because time was tight and also, I don’t think anyone would have a connection who could offer teleporting.

I did say I wanted a casual, inclusive audience. My models for that were two speaking gigs I’ve had in the past year. One, at the Mexico retreat, hosted by Erika Bryant. From the first dinner, I noticed there was no “cool kids’ table.” Or, every table was the cool kids’ table. No hierarchy, no guru, no scrambling for a seat near the leader, no one feeling excluded. That’s magic. And I delivered my talk under a pagoda. Nothing says “just be you” like a warm breeze and a podium shaded by palm trees.

The other, the aforementioned Atomicon in Newcastle, UK, was the most inclusive event I’ve ever attended or known of. What a bunch of freaks — and I mean that in the best way. Glitter… sequins…QR codes tattooed on their hands; pink hair, green hair, blue hair; handicap-accessible everything; so much humanity and individuality. I chalk it up to the event leaders, the warm, welcoming, and very real Andrew and Pete. Their attendees come back year after year but those who already know each other aren’t cliquey about it.

Best of all, the audience loved and raved about my talk.

Did I mention audience love is also a must in my “ideal speaking gig” rider?

Most of the folks I met were Brits, but tell you what: Atomicon is worth traveling to, from anywhere.

Also: Ann Handley is this year’s featured speaker! I’m staying put in Sag Harbor this June, but I’ve got serious FOMO. If you’re going, I’m jealous.

​Grab your ticket here, before the early bird price expires and/or tickets are gone.

If you know of any events that at least partially live up to my scenario and think I should speak there, hit me back and/or recommend me to the organizers. My talks are killer.

xoLaura

PS - *If you haven’t been following my “woo journey,” you need to get up in my Substack, Woo-Adjacent. Subscribe here and then catch up on my posts so far.

PPS - Have you signed up yet for Brenna McGowan’s live class? It happens this week.

PPPS - **From Google AI: “Van Halen famously required a bowl of M&Ms with all brown ones removed in their 1980s concert contracts, not out of diva-like pickiness, but as a clever "canary in the coal mine" test. If the band saw brown M&Ms, it signaled that the promoter had not carefully read the technical specifications, indicating potential safety hazards in their complex stage setup.”

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